goings on

i am bad at keeping up with things like this. clearly.

my mom is dating someone and i don't like him
i'm pretty sure the only reason i don't like him is because she's dating him
otherwise i'm almost positive we would get along, in fact we did get along until i found out she was dating him
i can't decide if it's ok to be feeling like this, if it's ok to not like this guy just because my mom is dating him and just because he's not my dad
or if i just need to suck it up and be happy that my mom is happy, even though a large part of me only wants her to be happy with my dad
at times like this i really wish my mom would see me as a daughter and not a best friend, it's heartbreaking to hear her say how much happier she is with someone who is not my dad, with someone who is not the man she was married to for almost 30 years
i don't want to jeopardize the relationship my mom and i have, because i value it more than anything in the world, i just wish the line from daughter to best friend was a little more defined

in other news i suppose i'm growing up
i don't really feel the need to go out anymore
i would much rather lay in bed next to my boy and watch a movie or just hang out and talk instead of going out to a bar and drink
or maybe i'm just becoming super lame
and if that's the case then so be it, i'm beth and i'm certifiably lame and i never been happier in my whole entire life
in the love aspect of my life i feel whole, like whatever piece i was missing before i have finally found

starting over, yet again

i got to see nate last night, and it was really nice
we spent the night laying in bed and talking and laughing and goofing off and it was so incredibly refreshing, knowing that nothing has really changed between us
being in his arms, just laying there, i felt so safe
and then he looked in my eyes and asked me about getting back together, words i've been dying to hear from him since we broke up
and i just froze, because answering his question would mean having to put all my trust in him again, putting all of myself into a relationship with him again
and as much as i love him, i'm still so broken and i'm still healing from our break up, even though so much time has passed
we left it unanswered, there's so many things that need to be taken into consideration before starting anything again, it's not as simple as it may have been before
but later as i was laying next to him while he was sleeping, the moonlight shone through his window and made everything look so peaceful
and i looked at him, really looked at him for the first time in years
this beautiful man, who has been there for the good and the bad, who knows me inside and out
this man who is just as confused, hurt and vulnerable as i am, putting his feelings out there, something i have never had the guts to do
it made me love him, really love him, as a person, for everything he has done for me
and for the first time i feel like i don't have to justify this to anyone
i love him, and that's enough for me

it's incredibly hard and it takes a long time for me to let people in
once i do, i can't let go of them no matter what
no matter what they do or what happens, it's impossible for me to completely let go
some of the people i've been closest to have hurt me beyond belief and i still love them, and i would still do anything for them
even if it means getting hurt over and over again
it's a big flaw and it's completely masochistic at times

this boy has had my heart for 5 years
and despite what he and i do to each other, i would bend over backwards to make him happy because being able to make him happy makes me happy
i always knew these feelings were there after we broke up, i just can't believe i'm admitting it

a-freaking-dorable

while trying on dresses at target katie and i ran into a girl buying a dress she was planning to elope in
it was so cute just to see the excitement on her face when she was looking at herself in the mirror
and it made me so happy for her, even though i had no idea who she was
just hearing her talk about it made me so happy, she could barely hold it in when she was telling us what the dress was for
i would love to feel like that someday
to be so in love with someone that you run away and marry them
not spending all the money and time planning a real wedding

i don't want to get married anytime soon
but when i eventually do, that's exactly what i want

this is a good sign

i normally try to avoid parking on his street
i'm actually terrified to do it
not because of seeing him, but because i don't know how i'll react when i do

anyway, today it was unavoidable, and spots were only available on his street
god was smiling on me today
because who should emerge from their house hand-in-hand just as i'm exiting my car?
that's right, him and his fiancee
i really wanted to do nothing more than crawl into a hole

you know how when you see an ex-love while with your current partner you do your best to make them jealous and act excessively happy?
you hold each other tighter, laugh and talk a little louder, and smile a little bigger
yeah, that's exactly what they did

i actually laughed, surprisingly, and i wasn't as affected by it as i thought i would be
it was weird, because at one time that was us, and now it's not, and that seems like so long ago

i am actually happy that that's not me
i don't want him to be happy, because i'm not convinced that you should be allowed to be happy when you treated someone the way he treated me
but i'm happy that i'm not with him

and the competitive bitch inside me loves knowing that he's not as happy as he pretends to be
that he has recently called me and told me he is miserable, and wants me back
whether it be stupid mind games or not, it is so nice to know that he regrets not realizing what he had when he had it

waiting for the breakdown

i know that what i'm doing is incredibly stupid
it's beyond stupid
i'm willingly putting myself into what could be the same position that broke me apart almost 2 years ago
but i can't stop myself
it feels so good
and when we're together, it feels so right

after going so long being uncomfortably numb
it's so refreshing to feel something again

i answered his phone call tonight and we talked for almost 3 hours
and it was good, like old times, like how things are supposed to be
we both go to the point where we wanted to say 'i love you'
and not out of habit, but because i think we both honestly love one another
there comes a point where all the pain just kinda fades away
no matter the hell you put each other through
you can't help who you fall in love with
as much as i've tried to hide it and fight it
i've tried my best to be angry, but it doesn't work
no matter how mad i was, i still loved him

it's hard to hate him when we have been through so much together
he knows things about me that i haven't been able to tell anyone else
he's the only one who knows and understands how bad my parents separation is getting
and how awful i feel watching their marriage fall apart without being able to do anything
he's the only one who knows the hell i went through when i was younger
and how i'm still dealing with it every day
because he doesn't judge me
he listens, and he always has

i'm happy that he called me
and i'm happy that i picked up
i never thought i would get to the point where i was happy to hear his voice on the other end

i think i need him in my life in one way or another
even if it's just as a friend
even when things were at their worst, i would still rather have him than not
i have honestly never felt okay when he wasn't there